the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
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I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Well, this is awkward
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.