Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe