A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
#damn
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Give a baker flours on your first date.