First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
yeah no that’s fair
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.