Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
The Backseat Boys
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
#polloftheday
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help