Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
BETRAYAL
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
pelicons
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.