*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
*pokes sex life with a stick