Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
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*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.