These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
You Might Also Like
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.