HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
How do you milk an almond?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again