Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
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So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind