Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Just a phase…
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??