*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
You Might Also Like
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Twitter is an abusement park.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.