Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
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Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Worst Native American name ever.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
This has made my week.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.