[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
You Might Also Like
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
May your day taste like creamy soup.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*limbos away from your hug*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.