Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”