“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
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Covid like
I want to meet the individual who made this
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.