Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
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“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.