Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
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I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
How times have changed.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
The biggest mystery of our time
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I mean…but I did
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie