[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
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Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.