Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point