If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
May have had one breakfast too many
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.