Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
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My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
This is a true ally.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.