Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Perfect

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

Pandas 🐼🖤

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?