You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
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*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Print is alive and well!!!
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s