wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Your secret is safeish with me
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole