Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
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the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*