1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?