i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
You Might Also Like
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross