#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
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My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I unironically love this joke.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.