I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
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Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….