all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Happy Febuary everyone!
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.