If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
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Cheers Twitter.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel