I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I only look at Wordle for the articles
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich