My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.