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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar