COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
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*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.