I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“I FIXED IT!”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*