You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
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Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
And then there were 4
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.