Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.