Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I’M CRYINGGG
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..