I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Never be a pizza!
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?