Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
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valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing