Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?