I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
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God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.