I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Botany good plants lately?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.