If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
You Might Also Like
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Netflix and scream at our children?!
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Nose
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.