I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”