Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
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Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Put the is in disheveled
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.