Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…